dear oliver – a child of God

i, like every other parent in the country, am squeezing you a little tighter today. the darkness in this world can show itself in the most disturbing of ways, and the events of today are nothing short of disgusting. my heart aches in a new way; today there is a new vision of understanding the pain that these families are going through. there are many families not too far from here that have had their lives altered in a way that NO family ever should, and i can’t begin to imagine what they are going through now, and what they will continue to go through in the future.

on a day like today, my first reaction is fear. my gut is to lock you away in a box and keep you safe from the world. but as i open my eyes and heart, i am reminded that at the bottom of it all, you are not mine. you, my sweet boy, are a child of God. this isn’t to say that i wouldn’t die defending you because i absolutely would in a heartbeat, no questions asked. my love for you is unlike anything i have ever experienced before. but as a child of God, i know that He will always be using you to further His kingdom, in whatever way is necessary. i hope that you are never taken from this world in any tragic way; that you live long after me and share your love with generations to come. but i need to know that i am not in control of this. 
i am not here to protect you from this world, i am here to prepare you for it. to raise you with a loving, caring heart and a sharp, level and responsible head. to know that while you might not always understand the Lord, you should always trust in Him. 
a friend of a friend recently delivered her son only to spend an hour with him before he was called home to heaven. he had a fatal birth defect that was discovered during a 12 week ultrasound but this parents continued to trust in the Lord and spent the next 20 weeks giving that sweet little boy in her womb the best life they possibly could. disneyworld and nightly stories, pumpkin patch visits and sitting on santa’s lap. walking through this experience with them on facebook has transformed my heart as much as it has broken it. they are grieving heavily, as is their family and so many others that know of their story, but the ultimate feeling that i get from their story is love, and peace. they don’t understand why this happened to them and their family, but they are at peace with it. i’m sure they will wrestle with feeling of loss and deep sadness and hurt for as long as they live, but they have, on so many occasions, stated how JOYOUS they are that they got to spend an hour with him alive and in their arms. 
this, is a parent’s love. 
oliver, you are so, so deeply loved. not only by your dad and i, but by God. i feel horrible sadness for the families effected by today’s tragic events, but there is a slight feeling of peace, knowing that while it seems darkness had won today, God is still in control. He has used and will continue to use the stories of the victims in wonderful, glorious ways. these families will mourn for a long time, but i pray that as time goes on, this only strengthens their faith; that they will rest assured in knowing that one day, they will see their loved ones again. that while they may not see or feel it right now, He is still in control. 
i will always always cherish & celebrate our time together, and Lord willing, we will be together for so many years to come. but if the time comes and the Lord calls you to something else, i need to rest assured knowing that He knows best and will take such good care of you. 
one day you’ll find this. someday in the future, whatever that looks like, you’ll stumble upon this blog and get a slight glimpse into what life was like when you were a baby. you’re always happy – even now – waking up from a 2 hour nap and so joyfully wrestling with brown bear in your crib. you sir, are such a blessing. 
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
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